Monday, November 19, 2007

The Struggle Between Pen and Pride

“This girl at school loves the Lord and is awesome at writing,” Shanna Cirka had written. My pulse quickened.

The questionnaire had said, “Choose one friend and write a paragraph about him or her.” The yearbook staff had distributed questionnaires to students, and we were using quotes from them throughout the yearbook. I wondered whether anyone had written about me. I had no friends. Flipping through several questionnaires, Shanna’s had caught my attention.

Was she talking about me? No. I barely knew her, and I wasn’t the best writer at my school.

Shanna continued, “When you read her stories they come alive. They sweep you away. This girl may not be the most popular girl there is, but she’s very strong.”
I’m not that strong.

“I pray that one day people may see the beauty in Harmony Wheeler’s heart.”
How could she write this about me? Could she really know how I felt? I hated that I had no friends and was not popular; but here she was, a friend I didn’t know I had, writing such things about me. I knew then that I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to touch people such as Shanna, and I wanted people to touch me the way Shanna had touched me.

As time went on doubts entered my mind. My freshman year in college I attended a school in New York City. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write or whether I wanted to write at all. I told myself that the city had many opportunities and that I would learn what to write about, even if I didn’t learn how to write.

Living in the city, I attended many Broadway shows and operas. As my love for music grew, I wondered why God hadn’t gifted me in performance. Finally, I realized that God had given me a love of theatre so I could write about acting and singing. I devoured reviews and read about opera and musical theatre. I saw that sexual humor and bad language helped to sell many shows, so I knew that the world needed greater Christian influences.

Every time I stray from writing, God brings me back. I run, but He pulls. I argue, but He wins. God used Shanna’s note to shove my talent right into my face, but I still doubted my abilities. When I realized I would never sing for a living, I resisted God. In New York, God showed me that I could write about things I love.

I often doubt my abilities as a writer, but then I remember the ways God has used writing in my life. Philippians 1:6 says, “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” God started something good in my writing and will continue to develop my talents. I am a writer. Music is my passion, but writing is my life, and God is my everything.

1 comment:

Janet Rubin said...

Hey there! I'm just a fellow scribe, passin' through. Actually, I'm working on my Personality Theory Psychology final paper- a jungian analysis of Harry Potter. I stumbled on you by typing, "Harry Potter," "struggle," and "pride," into google. Just thought you'd find that interesting. I did read this post. Sounds like a journey common to most of us. I called myself a wanna-be writer forever before I finally dropped the "wanna" and just started saying writer. Keep writing! And following Him. Bless you. I've gotta stop surfing and get back to work!